This is a letter to my daughter who has taught me to be grateful for learning the importance of parenting from the Inside Out.
Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of the greater possibilities of their future.
Dr. Maria Montessori
My Dear Little One,
I sat down to write while watching you turn about in your nap. The entire house is silent now that I have finally got the itch to finish this letter I started before two weeks.
I wanted to pour out my thoughts on parenting from the inside out. With so much to write to you, I am bewildered.
I have procrastinated this for a long time, but finally I have found little courage to post this to you.
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Lots of Acceptance
It has taken me a lot of acceptance to write this honest post on parenting from the inside out. It is undeniably an adventure at its best.
One of the toughest problems I have faced as a stay at home mother is managing time without squandering through the day. The other one, though, is convincing the entire world why I stay at home!
I had no slightest idea how to block my time every day consistently. In fact, I set new time rules almost every day. I have started to laugh at my flaws through your eyes.
As much as I am angry at your adamance and stubbornness, I also know from where you take it. So, I cannot say a word but be amazed at the combination in the DNA.
As much as I would like to appreciate you for being like us in many ways, I also flinch about a few elements. You are a constant reminder of how much I have to change or upgrade.
Trying to Keep Calm Here!
I still talk all that is on my mind, but I have observed that I have cut down bashing myself. Even though I worry about you falling now and then, I force myself to stand back and watch you get back up.
There was a time when I used to yell for almost everything. Yes, I used to bash you nearly 2-3 times every week.
There were times you preferred daddy over mummy, but those times daddy was at a faraway land convincing you all was going to be fine soon. It has worked for the best for us since then.
Grandpa and Grandma were your closest kinships who protected you for the last two years during my meltdowns. I have cried a lot about those moments, but I am glad I have changed a lot since then.
Understanding my Weakness
At 3, you are smart enough to identify my emotions ahead of me. That really makes me feel better when you read my emotions.
I have taught you to constantly express your emotions before taking them to your heart. That’s exactly what I have started doing too.
I cannot say that my meltdowns have entirely vanished, but they have reduced significantly.
The parental ego has always stopped me parenting from the inside out. That alter ego just wants you to oblige to my word.
There is no space for mistakes, no space to explore, to listen, or open up. We sure had a shaky start to our relationship.
Still, I will never forget the moments when I was really tired of everything around me, but you! You gave me hope about everything and a smile that lightened my day.
Though I showered you with my anger, you always showered me with unconditional love. I understood how weak I was as a human being. That led to the discovery that being rude was more comfortable for me than being kind.
Parenting from the Inside Out
The good thing that happened for us was when I started reading articles on parenting. If there was one thing that saved us from falling into the abyss, it is reading.
Right from the day you were born, I have shared so much in writing. I have shared a lot in my journal and my blog space about the lovely times we have had together.
Only now, I found the courage to share about being an imperfect mother. The bond we have today didn’t happen overnight. It was lots of effort from me in respecting you just for who you are and letting you be.
Though I feel awkward, I must say that was the best lesson I learned in parenting from the inside out.
It dawned on me that I became a mother only after you were born, and this motherhood journey requires walking together. Now, I am so happy again, even though I have no idea what to look forward to tomorrow.
When I plan my days ahead, I am too stringent about my timelines. I get all worked up and often be frustrated. You broke my rigid perception and changed my lifestyle back to taking one day at a time religiously.
I wanted to be super organized as a parent, but I am not even close to O in the Organized lifestyle. As much as I would love to time-block everything in my daily life, I have come to an acceptance that I need to be flexible about it for it to work.
Instead of tiring my mind and others around me, I took up flexible time blocks that change every day. Motherhood is more work towards acceptance than I imagined.
For example, my early morning block to write was dumped after you started waking up early. Since you wake only at 10 in the morning, I planned a morning block before you woke up. Then, you started waking up at 8 in the morning.
Belief in Myself
I have a strong feeling that you read my mind and my plans and offer me a challenge every day. What I came to know was in the name of being smart, I was often being super precautious than being prepared. This lead to a constant mismatch between us.
I did not fail because of you, darling, it was because of me. When I realized this, I understood why I failed miserably despite taking many chances at certain things.
I never believed that I could do them. When I started analyzing every small thing that could be changed, I realized a lot of this. I know through my every vein that I am imperfect and admitting the truth will only make me better.
Still, I was not allowing myself to be flawed, which harmed me more than anything else ever could. Parenting from the inside out changed me a lot than I expected.
I have changed so much since I chose to observe you and allow you to do what you can. I have a lot of predetermined thoughts and notions when it comes to your mischievousness.
When I tell you not to do something, you take the time to clearly mention to me that you did not come to do that, even though you came to do just that.
That made me wonder where I was going wrong. I started evaluating myself more every now and then. My own feedbacks and many parenting situations have given me simple solutions to problems that I had no idea was rooting up within me.
Being your parent has not just taught me persistence, but it has awakened a stronger woman who wants to rise and stand on her own.
I used to miss work, but I must honestly agree here that I wouldn’t trade this time with you for anything outside the home!
Thank you for being a kindred soul who lightens up our whole world!
Love you always,
Amma!
